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— This is a transcribed copy of Bigfoot, Don't Fail Me Now. —
Feel free to edit or add to this page, as long as the information comes directly from the episode.
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[episode starts at the forest. Simon is looking for a giant monster.]

Simon: It's around here somewhere. I've got a sixth sense about these things.Don't bother me, I'm waiting for... BIGFOOT!

[Simon screams and falls over.]

Simon: I got it.

Exposia: This is Exposia Vertov. Good evening and welcome to Dirty laundry. Remember Simon the Monster Hunter? He claimed to have once captured a monster And even believes a monster lived in his brain. Now here is his latest find: bigfoot. Has the man who cried monster Finally found one? Is this really bigfoot? I don't think so.


Simon: Laugh at me will ya? I'll catch Bigfoot I'll show ya all!


Oblina: What a fool. Simon actually believes in Bigfoot. [Laughs.]

Gromble: This is no joke, Oblina. That is Bigfoot. And he's a real monster. His name is Elban. He's refusing to obey my teachings always putting in danger in situations. I have no choice but to kick Elban out.

Elban: I'm sick of your rules, Gromble. I wanna do scares my way!

Gromble: THAT'S IT! I'm tired of your attitude. YOU'RE THROUGH WITH THIS ACADEMY! Gather up your pus, and get out.


Ickis: Well, at least he didn't have to the Gromble's lecture about now.

[He, along with Krumm and Oblina laugh.]

Gromble: Well, Ickis since you're obviously fascinated by Elban, you and your friends can help me warn him about the danger he's in. It's time to go on a little expedition.


Gromble: And remember monsters, stay alert. The wilderness is not as safe and filthy as the dump. Elban is near. He went that way. Let's go.


Gromble: [whispers] Simon. We must move on.


Simon: He's a clever one. He tripped the wire. But he's not clever enough for... Eek!

Oblina: We have been climbing for hours.

Krumm: My blisters could feed a monster family of four. Here, look.

Gromble: Alright you made you're point. We camp here for the night.


Ickis: Where's the Gromble? His trash back is empty. Uh oh.

All: Elban!

Gromble: Elban? Elban! Let me go this instant. What is the meaning of this?

Elban: Oh, you'll find out, grubworm. I've got big plans for you.

Simon: And just a few hours old too. I'm close. Very very close. I'll show them simon the monster hunter Is nobody's fool! These work good.


Gromble: Elban, listen to me. There's a monster hunter name Simon after you. You're in great danger.

Elban: Still the same old tune, eh, grombleloid? ( Laughs ) "Be careful, look out for the big bad humans." Ooh! I'm so scared.

Gromble: You haven't changed. no discipline whatsoever! I can remember it so well when you were just...

Elban: That wasn't my fault!

Gromble: You haven't learn have you?

Elban: How come you're in the cage and I'm not?!


Oblina: Do you know where we are going?

Ickis: Of course I know where were going. We are going this way.

Krumm: Wow. A trail a garbage leading to a clearing.

Oblina: Wait Krumm!

Ickis: How many of those stupid traps do we put up with. Come out Simon! Come onout and fight right here right now! [falls in thehole] You know, on the other hand You do have to admire the man's persistence.

Gromble: Where do you think you're going?

Elban: Ooh, grombella I'm going to find a friend of yours-- Simon the monster hunter. He'll make a great cell mate for you. You can spend the rest of your lives together!

Gromble: Are you mad? This is even dumber Than the lame-brained scares You attempted at the academy!

Elban: Quiet! I've had enough of you! Class, dismissed!

Ickis: We're lost. We're gonna be there forever.

Krumm: If I known that, I would have brought snacks.

Oblina: Wait. Looky. It's Elban.

Simon: Now I got you. Simon says be unconscious. Finally, my destiny is furfilled. ♪ The whole world will revere the name... ♪ ( Dramatically ): simon... The monster hunter.

Oblina: Quicky. We'll follow Elban's hootie bird. Maybe it will lead us to the Gromble.

Ickis: Hootie bird?

Oblina: That thingie.

Ickis: Oh.


Gromble: I must admit that I am pleased to see you. Thank you!

Ickis: What the? Hootie bird is trying to tell us something.

Gromble: The what?

Ickis: The Hootie bird.

Gromble: Yes. Quickly follow that Hootie bird!

Exposia: Excuse me what's going on here? Where's this biggest discovery of the century? Oh no. Its Simon

Simon: Ladies and gentlemen, of the media conspiracy I have something to show you now Something you've waited your whole careers to see: Bigfoot!

Exposia: Do you mean to say that the actual Bigfoot is underneath that tarp? Let me see. Let me see.

Simon: First I have a little speech to make.


Simon: To those of you who have Mocked me over the years This is my moment of glory... My crowning victory... My chance to say to you... A simple... ( Blows raspberry ) But I digress. Then, when I turned eight... ...i made my first monster sighting. It was under my bed. Oh, sure, my mother said There was nothing there. But I knew she was lying Just like she lied about professional wrestling! They're both real!

Exposia: Come on, show us bigfoot.

Simon: Alright. Alright. Prepare to the the most awesome, the most vicious, the most hideous monster ever. Behold, Bigfoot!

[Simon removes the tarp, only to see that the Bigfoot was replaced by a mouse. People start groaning in disbelief.]

Person: I can't believe it.

Simon: Wait. I had Bigfoot in this cage. I swear I did. No. no no no no no no. He was here! He was here.

Exposia: Yeah right. And the president lives in my purse.

Simon: I don't know what you've done with Bigfoot, but I'll find him. Oh yes I will. I will prove that monster exists!

[Back at the academy.]

Gromble: And now, elban For creating the legend of bigfoot And scaring generations of humans I present elban With this honorary doctorate of monstrology!

Elban: Right now, I consider myself The luckiest monster on the face of the dump!

Gromble: Not him too.