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— This is a transcribed copy of Cold Hard Toenails. —
Feel free to edit or add to this page, as long as the information comes directly from the episode.
Previous: "The Great Wave" Next: "Attack of the Blobs"

[It all started with a monster telling a story.]

Monster: They sailed a sea of glorp and woe be the hapless vessel that crossed their path. For they were pirate monsters of the first degree. And no ship, be she sloop or galleon was safe from their attack.

Monster kid: Did they ever find the treasure?

Monster: They did. And they brought it up on deck so the whole scurvy crew could see what booty etheir crimes had won them. And they opened the chest and what do you think was in it? Eh?

Monster kids: Toenails!

Monster: Aye. Twas a grink's ransom In toenails. Yup, human toenails. Lovelier than ear wax. More priceless than carpet lint. The most precious things Known to monsterdom. And they had a chestful.

Ickis: Can you believe old Wadget? He was telling that same story when I was a kid.

Krumm: Yeah. I remember wishing I had a chest full Of toenail clippings.

Ickis: You could buy anything couldn't ya? Gee you never have to do anything for the rest off you're life.

Oblina: Enough daydreaming. Have you forgotten We've got a scare?

Ickis: Yeah right come on.

Monster: So you see in the end all that fighting was for nothing. They weren't toenails at all. They were plain old worthless fingernails.

Monster kid: How could they tell?

Monster: Easy. The fingers we're still attached.

[The kids laugh.]

Krumm: This kid's gonna have quite a night.

Oblina: Obviously.

Ickis: Oblina, what's the address again?

Oblina: For grak's sake I have only Told you 50 times. 132 231St street.

Ickis: Got it. See you at nine. Ah-ha! This is Going to be a cinch. Any kid in a place Like this is already scared. Krumm? ( Squeaking ): Oblina?

[???]

Oblina: Well well look who's here. Mr. Trustworthy. "Count on me, never Let a friend down."

Krumm: We almost got fed to a trash comptractor.

Oblina: Yes. escaped by the skin Of our teeth, as it happens. No thanks to you!

Ickis: Guys. Look.

Krumm: Wow.

Ickis: I went to this guys house and it was more toenails and anybody's ever seen.

Oblina:[amazed] Ickis. You are rich!

Ickis: Rich, I'm rich. [squealy giggles] I'm rich!

Oblina: He's rich!

[???]

Krumm: What a dump!

Ickis: Believe me it set me back. But I think it's worth it for us To have a nice place to live. Look. Here is my handwoven Persian silkworm rug. Why get just the silk When you can have the worms I always say.

Oblina: Ickis, there is no way Krumm and I can afford living in a place like this.

Ickis: You didn't think I'd forget you once I got rich.

Oblina: Oh Ickis. I'm in. Thank you I mean it's lovely.

Krumm: I'm really hungry.

Ickis: Oh yes. This looks lovely. Could you just see If the chef could prepare Just a small plate Of braised mothballs with fly brain paste Hmm? It's so nice to have Fly brain in season, don't you think?

Krumm: Must be an acquired taste.

Kuffle: Is there anything I can get for you Ickis? By the way, did I mention That you look great?

Ickis: Thanks, Kuffle. Absolutely nothing I can think of At the moment That I want And don't have. Ah, life.

[???]

Ickis: And remember if you get the assignment by tomorrow morning, there's an extra cup of toenails in it for ya. If the gromble asks Tell him I'll be along, hmm?

Wadget: Well, well, it's young ickis, If I'm not mistaken.

Ickis: Old wodget, how are you?

Wadget: Not like I once was.

Ickis: You know, If you need anything I've come into a lot of-

Wadget: So I've heard, so I've heard. Ickis and his toenails, Talk of the dump.

Ickis: I'd better be..

Wadget: I'd be careful If I were you. Vast wealth is no Always what it seems. Did I ever tell you Of the pirate monsters Who rode the sea of

Ickis: Yeah I think I heard that one. Don't worry about me. ( Giggling ) I won't end up like that.

{???]

Ickis: What's going on?

Krumm: Hi, Ickis.

Oblina: Ickis, we're moving back to our old room.

Ickis: What, why?

Oblina: We are just not comfortable.

Ickis: Not comfortable? What do you need?

Oblina: No Ickis. It's not.

Monster: Here's your Pickled cowpie, ickis.

Ickis: Merci beaucoup, Willymegs. Here's a little something Just for you.

Monster: Thanks!

[???]

Monster: Hey, can we have Another party tonight?

Ickis: Yeah oh a party that would be great.

Tuffle: What about school tomorrow?

Ickis: School? School? A monster in my position Hardly needs to waste time With something as Irrelevant as school.

[???]

Ickis: What are you doing?

Tuffle: I was just- I was just I dropped my lucky Rabbit spleen.

Ickis: You're looking for my toenails. That's what you want. That's what you all want! You wait until my back is turned And then you're going To steal my toenails! Get out! Get out, all of you! I don't need you! I don't need you! I don't neet any of them. There's only one Thing that I need. A rabbit spleen? Who put that there? Yes. This is all I need. I don't believe it! There were hundreds. I know there were!

[???]

Ickis: Come in.

Oblina: Ickis, I just came back for my- Ickis, what's wrong?

Ickis: It's good to see you Oblina. Please. Take whatever you want.

Oblina: Yes. Are you sure you're okay?

Ickis: Never better..Never better.

Oblina: Well, I'll just see you around.

Ickis: That closet was full of toenails. I'll just go in there, It'll be fine. I'll be rich again. I will be richer. Just one more..

[???]

Old man: What? Wha, wha.. Stop! Thief! Help, police. I'm being robbed. Hey, you little.. Whatever you are I'll tear you limb.... What? Where am i? Oh. Where's that little Must have been a dream. Yes, a dream, a warning dream. If I keep on like this I'll end up like that Greedy little monster. This place is a dump. I've got work to do.

[???]

Ickis: Now I'm all set. Yes. That'll teach them to mess with me.

[The Handle breaks and calls into the water Ickis tried to catch it but ends up in the water and starts to drown. Lucky for him, his two friends arrive just in time to get him out of the water.]

Oblina: Ickis! What is it?

Ickis: [coughing] I went for the rest of my toenails and they all went into the river and they all at the bottom of the river.

Oblina: You could have drowned because of those toenails! Snap out of it!

Ickis: [wailing] GONE! They''re all gone! [sobbing]

Oblina: Oh, Ickis.

[Ickis' sobs started to turn into laughter.]

Ickis: Can you believe it? All those toenails. They're all sitting at the bottom of the river. [laughing] Can you guys believe how crazy I was? Over a bunch of stupid toenails. And now look where they are!

[The others laugh too.]

Krumm: Hey how about something to eat?

Ickis: Okay.

Both: Eat.

Ickis: Alright.

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