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— This is a transcribed copy of Hooked on Phobics. —
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[episode starts]

Man: Um, okay. What do we do now?

Woman: Maybe we should kiss.

Man: Okey-doke.

Ickis: This should be easy. [Ickis attempts to scare the couple, but the car accidently ran over his foot.]


Both: What was that?

Man: Let's get out of here!

[Back in the auditorium, everybody (including Krumm and Oblina) laughs at Ickis for his failure. The Gromble has had enough.]

Gromble: QUIET! [the monsters gasp.] How dare you laugh at Ickis' misfortune! I am appalled. And as your punishment, I want everyone but Ickis, TO TAKE A LAP AROUND THE SEWER NOW! [He stomps on the floor three times as the monsters get off their seats to walk around the sewer.] And a one, and a two, and a three, and a four! Hup, hup, hup, hup! And I want you all to remember, there is nothing funny about a monster in pain!

Ickis: Thank you, all compassionable Gromble. [He then trips on a floor. The Gromble tries not to laugh a bit and covers his mouth.]

[Ickis starts packing his stuff to leave.]

Ickis: I am giving up! I quit! I will never-[gasps and he sees the ad for phobic scaring on his Ultra Monster comic book.] Easy scaring huh? "Are you the type of monster who doesn't like to work hard? Are you-"

Monster Seller: Always looking for the shortcut? Do you want big scares without breaking a sweat? Well, then, my friend, I've got one word for you. "Phobias" That's right. "Phobias"

Ickis: Phobias? What's a phobias?

Monster Seller: Now, you may ask "Phobias"? What are phobias? Well, we here at the I.E.S., the Institute of Easy Scaring him that discover that every human has a fear. And, they can be afraid of most ridiculous links, for instance, "Spiders" Now, we monsters, we think they're beautiful, we eat them, we enjoy 'em. But, some humans, are afraid of 'em.

Ickis: I find that hard to believe.

Monster Seller: Hard to believe? It's true. Same goes for snakes, mice, and believe it or not, germs. Certain humans are so afraid of these they'll devote waking hour, and washing them off. And now, for the low, low, price of 15 toenails, you too can have this easy scaring phobia kit. That's right! We've done the hard work for ya. It comes complete with the list of phobic humans compiled by our crack research team. And, if you act now, we'll throw in our holiday claustrophobia special. That's right! For those humans, who are afraid of Santa Claus. Hah! Remember, every human has a fear. But, don't take my word for it. Listen to this satisfied customer.

Nerdy Monster: Other monsters used to laugh at me, until I discovered the phobia kit. Now, I'm the one laughing! Heh, heh, heh.

Ickis: That's it! I'm gonna do it!


Man: They think they can scare me With their poison darts and giant boulders But nothing scares... Mississippi Smith. Except snakes. I hate snakes!


Woman: Clean, clean, I must be clean. Finally, I am completely free of germs. I'm clean, I'm clean.


Ickis: Come on. Run along, little doggies!

Woman: Germs! Unclean! Unclean!


Both: Santa Claus!

Ickis: Ah. Well, well, well. I see no one is laughing now.

Gromble: My dear Ickis, I must say that was quite an impressive array of scares. I have just one eensy-weensy problem. THEY DON'T COUNT!

Ickis: What's the big deal? You know what I always say, "A scare, is a scare, is a scare."

Gromble: WRONG! Phobic scares are not monstorous. The monster is not doing the scaring. Despite of the snake, the costume is doing the scaring, in a shortcut. And you're too good for that Ickis.

Ickis: But I got 13 consecutive days and not a major humiliation. And you know what I always say, "Every human has a fear." [giggles]

Gromble: Very well, Ickis. I see you're going to have to learn the hard way. So let's put your trusty phobia kit to the dust. The human circus is in town once again, and I want you to scare this man. Gunter Guber Farfegnuton.


Farfegnuton: Back, back, my kitty cat. Nice kitty, that's meinkitty. Vait. What have we here? Ve have been looking all over for bobo the clown. Shame on you, kitty! How many times have I told you? Do not eat ze clowns!

Ickis: So he's not a list. Big deal. Every human has a fear. I just have to look my kit to find out which one it is. [He pulls out a mouse.] Sic' em!

Farfegnuton: Eat this, kitty.

Ickis: Oops.

[The lion spits the mouse out. Ickis pulls the snake out.]

Ickis: This oughta do it.

Farfegnuton: How dare you defy me?

Ickis: Snakes, no good. Alright, I'm gonna have to roll out the big gun. Get ready Farfegnuton, Santa Claus is coming to town. Ho, ho, ho.

Farfegnuton: Santa Claus? I love Santa Claus. I am being a vety good boy this year. So, I want the choo-choo train, and the yo-yo, and the- [He finds out that it's Ickis, wearing the Santa mask.] You're not my Santa Claus. You're the Easter Bunny! How dare you pretend to be my Santa Claus! Open wide, my kitty!


Farfegnuton: Ugh! Circus people!

Ickis: Ah. Boy, am I glad to see you guys.

Krumm: The Gromble sent us to look after you, Ickis.

Ickis: I-I-I-I just need the right phobia.

[Meanwhile, at the Monster Novelty Store, Ickis is showing him Farfegnuton that Ickis failed to scare earlier.]

Monster Seller: Nope. Too bad, kid. Not on a list. Can't scare him.

Ickis: But you said every human has a fear.

Monster Seller: That's right, kid. I said every human has a fear. I didn't say every human has a phobia, there's a difference. You gotta read the fine print.

Ickis: Oh, boy, am I a sucker?

Monster Seller: I'll tell what I'm gonna do, kid. For another 15 toenails, not only will I get you another list of phobic humans, but I'll throw in one of these!


Ickis: I am not falling for any more of your swindles!

Monster Seller: Well, what are you gonna do, huh? Scare somebody all by your cute little self? Oh, that's rich.

[The Monster Seller starts laughing at Ickis. And then we flash back to what happened earlier where the monsters are laughing at Ickis for his failure. Then we flash back into the present day. Ickis has had enough and looms at him.]

Ickis: Never call me cute!

Monster Seller: Ahhh! With scaring talent like that kid, you don't need those tricks. These are for losers! You're too good.


Farfegnuton: Oh, nine, nine Kitty. Not again. You eat one more clown, and I'll give you snip, snip, and send you to Vegas to work with Siegfried and Roy.


Farfegnuton: On the other hand, this vermin He is fair game.


Farfegnuton: Monster!

Gromble: Excellent, Ickis. This just goes to show you've don't need a easy way out. You have the potential to do this all long.

Ickis: Oh. [laughs] You were right, Gromble. I am just too good.

Gromble: Let's not get carried away Ickis.

[Back at the Monster Novelty Store with some of the students seeing the Monster Seller.]

Monster Seller: Are you the type of monster who does not like to work hard? Are you always looking for shortcuts? Do you want the big scares without breaking a sweat? Well, forget about phobias, try the all-new "Ickis Pump". Why, work hard looming. All you need to do is pump this little pet on our pad and Ickis balloon will loom for ya.


Ickis: Yes! [giggles]