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— This is a transcribed copy of Nuclear and Present Danger. —
Feel free to edit or add to this page, as long as the information comes directly from the episode.
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Phil: That new machine makes a good cup of coffee.

Sheila: Well, perhaps, Phil, if you paid a little more attention to plant productivity and a little less to your coffee, I might have some competition for employee of the month, hmm?

Bob: You two want to keep it down? I'm trying to take a little catnap here.

Ickis: Oh, this place gives me the willies.

Oblina: Nonsense, this is a perfectly good place for a scare. Shall we?

[???]

Krumm: Look at all the buttons.

Oblina: Krummy, do not touch anything. Human technology is not something to tamper with. Ickis! Have you lost your senses? This is human food. It can be very, very dangerous. Honestly, you two.

Ickis: All right! Sheesh.

[He tosses the cup away.]

Lyre: Ay yi yi! Phil? Sheila? Bob? Stay calm, Lyle. Gotta stay calm. Ay yi yi yi yi! "Leak detected in sector eight. Commence broadcast of tape number seven." Gotta stay calm, gotta stay calm.

[automated voice] So you're having a nuclear meltdown.

Lyre: Oh, gee!

Please walk in a calm, orderly fashion to the nearest emergency exit.

Oblina: Ooh, something is wrong.

Ickis: What's a meltdown?

Lyre: Yes, sir. I will, sir. But what about Phil, Sheila and Bob, sir? That's right, the mutants. Yes, sir, I'm quite certain they've been exposed, sir. Yes, sir. Sorry, guys.

Ickis: Let's get out of here!

Ickis: We're saved!

Harold: My name is Dr. Harold Carson. I've been asked to lead you on our mission to go in and isolate the three mutated humans known as Phil, Sheila and Bob. We don't know how bad the contamination is, gentlemen, but I can tell you this. Nuclear mutation is never a pretty sight. No matter what we witness in that building, we have to stay cool, calm and collected. If we stay calm, we can keep them calm, but if we lose control... I don't even want to think about what might happen. Any questions? Good. Let's go get 'em.

Ickis: We're trapped!

Man: Phil?

Krumm: Humans!

Ickis: Let's hide.

Oblina: Ickis, we are monsters, and monsters scare humans. Humans do not scare monsters.

Ickis: Nice knowing ya.

Krumm: She's right. Monsters live to scare.

Ickis: So I'll meet you back here?

Harold: Subject shows sign of intense gastrointestinal malfunction.

Oblina: Hello! You should be afraid of me!

Harold: We're here to help you, Sheila.

Ickis: Oh, boy.

Krumm: Step aside.

Harold: Subject emits toxic cloud of body odor so powerful, it is unable to be analyzed.

Oblina: It is up to you, Ickis.

Ickis: I was afraid you were gonna say that.

Subject Phil shows signs of extreme fatigue, including general crankiness and bloodshot eyes. Does anyone have any eye drops for Phil? Note subject's response to contamination. Glandular swelling increases tenfold.

Krumm: Let's get out of here.

Harold: Phil? Sheila? Bob! Come back! Subjects show no sign of cooperation. We can't let them get away, gentlemen. Let's get 'em.

[???]

Harold: I've been looking for you, Phil.

Ickis: I'm not Phil!

Harold: Subject suffers from acute amnesia.

Ickis: What is wrong with you? This is my best stuff.

Harold: Very nice, Phil. Ready to give up?

[???]

Guard: Hi, Bob.

Ickis: Oh, no.

[??]

Oblina: Better much. Much better.

Harold: Mutation more severe than first appeared. Recommend brain dissection.

Ickis: Brain dissection?

Harold: Phil, don't touch the buttons! Phil! Phil! Take your foot off the button. Phil, Phil-- you don't want to do that! Let's get out of here!

Ickis: [laughing]

Harold: No, I'm first, let me out! Come on, let's get out of here!

[??]

My I have your attention, please? Please walk to the nearest emergency exit.

Oblina: Ickis, stop fooling around! We must leave before the humans return!

Ickis: Humans? I'm not afraid of the humans! The humans are afraid of me!

Krumm: Since when?

Oblina: Since I learned how to do this!

Ladies and gentlemen, may I have your attention please? We are now officially in overload. This plant will self-destruct in 30 seconds. Try to make every second count. Vaya con Dios.

Oblina: Ickis, how many of these buttons did you push?

Ickis: All of 'em.

[???]

Krumm: We're never gonna turn off all these switches in less than a minute.

Oblina: Hurry!

[???]

Ickis: Help me!

Krumm: She's gonna blow!

[???]

Phill: It was frightening, horrible. Nobody's ever gonna believe us.

Bob: I still have stink all over me.

Sheila: Oh, will you two stop already? We are safe. No monster is going to--

[???]

Ickis: Where are we?

Krumm: I don't know, but I'm sure glad to be out of that place.

Oblina: I think there is a valuable lesson to be learned here. As I said earlier, human technology is not something a monster should tamper with.

Ickis: All right, then let's get out of here.

Oblina: Thank you.

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