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— This is a transcribed copy of Simon Strikes Back. —
Feel free to edit or add to this page, as long as the information comes directly from the episode.
Previous: "Where Have All the Monsters Gone?" Next: "The Ickis Box"

[The episode starts.]

Don: I like rice.

Host: We're back and were talking to scared with three victims of monster sightings.

Simon: Do I look scared? Am I whimpering? I'm a monster hunter okay? I hang out in the sewers, and find and hunt monsters. It's a dirty job. Someone's gotta do it.

Don: I like rice.

Host: Yeah. So how many of you caught?

Simon: Well, it depends on how you to find. And why do I hunt monsters? I'm going to tell you why. Because monsters pop out of toilets, closets and from under the beds, scaring the wits out of people. And turning them into--

Don: I like rice.

Simon: Rice. Loving lunatics.

Host: So I understand you were scared by monsters who came under the beds.

Bradley: I wasn't scared and there's only one.

Host: How about you, Murray? It's the former Murray the Monster from children's television, ladies and gentlemen.

Murray: I saw three. Uh huh. Uh huh.

Guy: Yeah, well I saw four. The elves brought them.

Bradley: They think we're all crazy.

Simon: Go ahead and laugh. Very funny. a bunch of clowns we have here. I'm laughing with ya! But you won't be laughing for long. Not when I come in here with a real monster.

Host: Color me crazy sounds like a challenge. Anyone willing to take it on? No? Well, how about if I throw in a new car?

Man: What are you doing?

Host: Yes, it's a beautiful Venturi.

Man: That's my car.

Host: It's got all the features you ever want and it's already broken in.

Man: You can give them my car.

Host: And to make sure you always have gas money, a check for $1 million! That's right, folks. You have one week to make a cool million just by nabbing a real, live monster! Uh-oh, look at the time. Now remember, you have a great day because you've suffered enough.

Man: A million dollars on my car?

Host: Monsters, schmonsters. Come on, these people are lunatics.

Simon: Don't let it get to you kid.

Bradley: They think I'm crazy that I'm imagining the whole thing. Simon:

They've been saying that to me my whole life.

Bradley: What do you do?

Simon: Me? I just covered my ears.

Bradley: I wasn't scared.

Simon: Of course you weren't.

Bradley: I'm never scared.

Simon: I know that. Of course, if you ever were, it'd be okay, you know that. I mean, we all get scared sometimes, I mean, especially after seeing a monster.

Bradley: Even you?

Simon: Me? No. I'm a professional. Not just animate risking his neck for a use car that allows a million.

[All over the town, people set traps in their homes.]

Gromble: I have just one teensy tiny question for you, Master Ickis.

Ickis: Yes, your Gromble-ford?

Gromble: How can this, can simply cause THIS?!

Ickis: Well, it's quite simple, sir, you see--

Gromble: Silence! All right, one more time. But listen very, very carefully. You are the monster. You scare humans and their cute little puppies. They don't scare you!

Oblina: Are you sure you alright?

Ickis: Fine fine.

Oblina: Well you don't look fine fine.

Krumm: Maybe that's how he looks when he's fine, fine.

Ickis: I'm not fine okay?! I'm miserable. Now everybody thinks I'm a coward.

Krumm: Hey, that dog was scary. He had sharp teeth, a big growl and little pink bows.

Ickis: Thank you I feel so much better now.

Oblina: What Krumm is trying to say is we all get scared sometimes.

Ickis: You're just trying to cheer me up. I'm surprised you haven't offered me a--

Krumm: Larva?

Ickis: See? And I still don't feel better.

Simon: Tuesday, a hundred hours a night like any other. Garbage filth, vermin gosh all of it. but underneath. Terror. Terror so real you can smell it. Note to myself, never smell terror at a dump What's that?

Ickis: I said I like to be alone.

Krumm: You mean without me?

Ickis: Right.

Simon: Gotcha! You're not a monster.

Woman: You haven't seen them in the morning. Say, aren't you that guy from TV?

Simon: Well yes. As a matter in fact I am. Wait a minute. What are you doing here?

Woman: Hunting monsters. Isn't it fun?

Simon: You're hunting what?

Man: I got my on that ventory.

Simon: You cannot hunt monsters! You're a family.

Woman: Well, we're probably not as good as you.

Simon: Probably you say? Probably not! You don't know the first thing about hunting monsters! You people think you can just waltz in here and find some monster hiding behind every tree. It takes years of training, a sharp eye and--

Boy: Look there's a monster behind the tree.

Man By George, that is a monster.

Simon: What where?

Woman: Good work sweetie.

Simon: You call that a monster? That's nothing but a bunny rabbit.

Ickis: Krumm, I thought I told you. AHH! HELP! HELP!

Simon: Yes! You're mine!

Ickis: I'm lost. Lost forever in the black pit of dispair. Alone, forgotten, without hope. And I'm getting nauseous.

Krumm: Don't worry, buddy. I almost had it. Oblina!

Ickis: Good thinking.

Krumm: There's more to me than just a delightful stench.

Simon: Yes! Yes! I did it! I did...It

Bradley: Wow, you got a monster?

Simon: Of course. I got a monster. Why? Why may you ask? Because I'm good.

Ickis: He said was going to save me. Of course he's gonna save me. How's he gonna save me? What if I'm unsaveable? Is that a word? Krumm, oh, thank goodness. I knew you'd come.

Krumm: Don't worry buddy I got it all figured out.

Simon: Yes! I did it! I did it! Two monsters! I'm so bad! I'm worst! Look, I'm not one of those UFO crazies you're always putting on the air, got it? I'm a monster hunter. (clanging) Just a minute-- Who is it?

???: Delivery.

Simon: What kind of delivery?

???: Delivery.

Simon: Come on in I'll be right there. es, that's right. I said real monsters.

Gromble: I said left.

Oblina: I went left.

Gromble: I meant your other left.

Oblina :Will you keep it down?

Simon: Hey, 10 monsters, live television. It's gonna cost you, buddy.

Oblina: No no the other way.

Simon: Excuse me for a minute.

Oblina: Ooh the Lump.

Monster: The lump.

Monster 2: The lamp.

Simon: Woo. I'm worst. I'm worst then worse. I'm Simon the terrible.

Oblina: Will you be quiet?! I'm trying to think.

Monster: What are we gonna do?

Monster 2: Let her think.

Monster: I don't stink.

Oblina: After a careful review of the problem from every conceivable angle, I have finally concluded that--


Oblina:We are done for.

Simon: Then after the talk show circuit, of course, there's the book deal, video games, "Simon Sings".

[Bradley looked and saw that he recognized Ickis back when he had lost his monster manual back in Monsters, Get Real.]

Bradley: He's the one who scared me.

Simon: It's okay. He can't get out.

Bradley: Wait.. You're scared of me?

Ickis: No way, you're the one who's scared.

Bradley: Am not.

Ickis: Are too!

Bradley: Am not, And I wouldn't scare one who hide under my bed either.

Ickis: Were too!

Bradley: Were not.

Ickis: You weren't scared at all?

Bradley: Nope.

Ickis: At least a little bit?

Bradley: That's right.

Ickis: Fine. I have everything I had.

Bradley: You did?

Ickis: Yeah.

Bradley: Maybe I was scared.

Ickis: You were really?

Bradley: A little bit.

Simon: Don't get close to that cage.

Bradley: No way. The scariest thing is when your parents are out, and your babysitter is asleep. And you hear this awful scratching noise at the window, and you know for sure it's the--

Ickis: (excitable) Whirling, gargantuan with seventeen heads!

Bradley: Yeah sure. Or the boogey man.

Ickis: (giggles) He's scary too.

Bradley: Want a cookie?

Ickis: No thanks. Listen Bradley, I want you to pretend something.

Bradley: Okay.

Ickis: Pretend that you were at a dump, and you're gathering grubs then suddenly, a monster hunter sneaks up behind you and throws you into a cage. A-a-and wants to put you on TV.

Bradley: I went on TV. It was awful.

Ickis: I know. Well, if he puts us on TV... well, everyone is gonna know that we exist. And... they'll hunt us down, and well then...

Simon: Bradley, give me and hand with these cages will ya?

Ickis: Then it will be the end of us Bradley. It will be the end of me.

Simon: Come on, I'm already late.

[Bradley grabs the keys and frees all the monsters.]

Simon: Where's.. Where's my monsters?

Bradley: It was - it was so weird! This light blasted out of his eyes and I couldn't move! And then all of a sudden this voice in my head commanded me to open the cages and I couldn't stop.

Simon: They're more devious than I should have known that. When did I know that. Because I'm stupid that's why. I'm not bad. I'm not terrible! I'm stink!

Bradley: Cookie?