Aaahh!!! Real Monsters Wiki
— This is a transcribed copy of Snorched if You Do, Snorched if You Don't. —
Feel free to edit or add to this page, as long as the information comes directly from the episode.
Previous: "Monsters, Get Real!" Next: "Curse of the Krumm"

[We cut to Bradley's house. Bradley is sitting on the floor watching TV while petting his cat. This kind of took place of what happened in the last episode, explosions on the TV scares the cat and runs out of the living room door.]

Bradley's Dad: He won't go back in his room. It's those darn monster comics.

[From Bradley's room we see the monster manual still laying on the floor. We then cut to the Monster Academy.]

Oblina: Don't worry, Ickis. We will get your manual back right after school.

Slimebucket: Hey, Ickis. Got your manual?

[Splashes some slime on Ickis]

Ickis: Was there ever any doubt? See you in class. Slimebucket, I'm not going.

Oblina: Don't be silly. If you cut the Gromble's class, he'll send you to be snorched.

Ickis: If I go, he'll find out I don't have my manual, and have me snorched.

Krumm: Snorched if you do, snorched if you don't. Tough luck, old buddy.

Krumm's Locker: Are you though using me? [Grabs hold of Krumm's armpit hair]

Krumm: Yeah.

Krumm's Locker: Then please move on, your stench is making me feel faint.

Krumm: Thanks.

Frunk: Gee, Ickis, I hope you got your manual. [Spills some ooze on the floor]

Ickis: I've got it, Frunk. Stop worrying about me. You're oozing you know. What am I? The afternoon entertainment around here? If I get asked about that manual one more time. [opens his locker]

Ickis' Locker: Do you have your manual?

Ickis: NO, I DON'T! But I do have this! [Throws books out of his locker] Go ahead, ask me again. Make my century.

Ickis' Locker: My, my, a bit touchy, aren't we?

Oblina: That is no way to treat your locker. He's just doing his job.

Ickis: You're right. I apologize, locker.

Ickis' Locker: Ah, forget it.

Ickis: You know, I've been under a lot of pressure, I don't have my manual for Gromble's class and-

Ickis' Locker: Big deal, he's not gonna be there.

Ickis: What?

Ickis' Locker: He's sick.

Ickis: He is? Yes. I mean... Uh gee, I hope he's okay.

[Monster belches to signify that class is starting]

Ickis: That's the belch for class. Come on, guys.

Krumm's Locker: I didn't know the Gromble was sick.

Ickis' Locker: He isn't, someone's got to teach that kid some respect.

[Both lockers laugh and then closes their doors]

[Scene changes to the Gromble's auditorium]

Slimebucket: Are you sure you got the manual, Ickis?

Ickis: Oh sure. No. I don't. The Gromble's just going have to wait. I am a very busy monster.

Slimebucket: You're not afraid of being snorched?

[Slimebucket laughs]

Ickis: Me? I laugh at the Snorch. I laugh at the Gromble. In fact sometimes I just laugh.

[The Gromble enters]

Krumm: How can you start laughing?

Gromble: Good afternoon, class.

Ickis: But my, my, my, my locker said that...

Krumm: Time to change your locker, Ickis.

Gromble: Well, you all look particularly ugly today.

Monsters: Thank you, Your Magnificence.

Gromble: Actually, I'm feeling a bit blue myself [Turns to a blue color] How about cheering up your teacher with a good old-fashioned howl? NOW!!!

[They let out howls]

Gromble: Ah, the purest howl comes from the inside out. [Pulls Frunk's toungue out] Ah, much better OK coming to a conclusion, crescendo. Beautiful my malevolent wonders you've really cheered me up [turns back to normal color] And as a reward I'm taking you all on a class trip to the slime pits for a fun filled afternoon of slurping and burping.

Oblina: Yes, well looks like you lucked out, Ickis.

Ickis: Yes.

Gromble: But first...

Ickis: No...


Ickis: Might I say, sir, that the boils on your back have reached a stunning corpulence...they're really quite fetching!

Gromble: Excellent job of sucking up Ickis, where's your manual?

Ickis: EEE!!!

Gromble: What?!

Ickis: I didn't get my manual back...

Gromble: Now, now. Don't be so hard on yourself, all you need to set you on the right path is a good old-fashioned monster to monster talk. SLIMEBUCKET!

Slimebucket: Yes, your Gromble, sir?

Gromble: Escort Ickis down to Snorch and tell him light scolding, oh what the hay throw in a complete nashing too.

Slimebucket: Ickis, I know we never been that close, But If anything happens, can I have your hairball collection?

[Ickis slightly looms and scares him off.]

Slimebucket: I'll take that as a maybe.

Guard Monster: You and I are about to share a very personal experience, here [Gives Ickis the number 19 upside down reading 61] Beginning to feel the closeness? I am.

[The Snorch comes out]

Guard Monster: Number 13.

Zimbo: It's such a mangy, snorchy Tease. It's our old pal And comrade in arms (Inaudible) [Laughs]

Ickis: Hi guys. Sixty one. Well, at least time's on my side.

Monster: Oh whoops, Sorry. [Turns Icki's number the right way round to read the number 19]

[Scene changes to Krumm and Oblina underneath a bus whilst the bus drives over a bridge]

Krumm: We're missing the slime pits, Ickis owes me big time.

Oblina: We're going to find the manual and get him out of this mess.

[Krumm and Oblina drop off the bus]

Oblina: Now isn't that much better than traveling by sewer, hmm?

[Krumm and Oblina run round to the back of the house]

Krumm: Wait. I'll see if the coast is clear.

[Krumm sends one of his eyeballs down to spy on the man turning a dial on a boiler]

Man: So it's too hot, let's see if you cheapskates diff me again next Christmas. [Laughs]

[Oblina and Krumm sneak past the man and go upstairs]

Oblina: This is it.

[A door opens]

Oblina: Krumm, are you alright?

Krumm: [Eats a door knob] I've had better knobs.

Dad: Enough TV, Bradley. Go upstairs and do your homework.

Bradley: I'm never going in that room again.

Dad: It's time you got over that, kiddo. Come on son, it's time to face your fear and laugh.

Bradley: I don't think so, dad.

Dad: Don't worry, Bradley. There's nothing to be afraid of. You see there are no monsters in here. Unless one of your stuffed animals comes to life. Come on, kiddo. You got homework to do.

[Krumm and Oblina are hiding from Bradley in his bedroom and they see Ickis' manual lying on the floor and Krumm scares Boots the cat.]

Bradley: What's the matter, Boots? [Bradley picks up the manual and the manual goes out of the window] ACK! Daddy!

[Scene changes back to the outside of Snorch's chamber with Macho lifting a dumbbell]

Macho: What are you looking at?

Ickis: Great technique.

Macho: Thanks. It gets boring down here, this helps pass the time.

Ickis: Oh, but you're not concerned about Snorch?

Macho: That wimp? I'll show him a thing or two. [Breaks dumbbell in half]

Guard Monster: Next.

Macho: See you around, guys.

[Macho walks into the Snorch's chamber and is heard tortured from outside of the chamber]

Macho: No, not that, no, please anything but that, NOOOOOOOO!

[Scene changes back to Krumm and Oblina as they get closer to the manual.]

Krumm: There it is.

Oblina: Be careful, humans.

Krumm: I got it! I got it! [Car drives by picking up the manual with it] I don't got it.

Oblina: This is going to be a long day.

[Krumm and Oblina follow the car into a car wash and Krumm is washed and cleaned in the process whilst on top of the car]

Oblina: Krumm? Speak to me.

Krumm: What's that terrible smell? It's me! I'm clean!

Oblina: Look!

Krumm: Your turn.

[The manual falls off the car onto the road and while trying to retrieve it, Krumm and Oblina are swept away with the manual by a road sweeper truck]

[Scene changes back to the dump and the outside of the Snorch's chamber]

Guard Monster: We're running late. So many victims, so little time.

Ickis: Oh, pardon me, in the interest of speed and the overall good, I am willing to forfeit my turn and then return at a later date, how's next century?

Guard Monster: [sarcastic laugh] Good idea. [Ickis smiles] Forget it. Numbers 17 to 21 line up and be ready now.

Monster #20: Sorry, sorry you first.

Ickis: No, no. you go ahead.

Monster #20: No, no, no. really after you please.

Ickis: I couldn't, couldn't, You be my guest.

Guard Monster: No backes.

[Monster #20 puts Ickis in front of him and blowing a raspberry at him]

[Scene changes back to Krumm and Oblina inside of the road sweeper truck]

Krumm: Ah, old sardines.

Oblina: It is so dark, I can't find that silly manual.

Krumm: Relax. Enjoy the moment.

[Krumm and Oblina are tipped out of the road sweeper truck onto a conveyor belt leading into the furnace]

Krumm: Can we do this again on my birthday?

Oblina: Come on. We have work to do. Krumm, look.

[Krumm and Oblina in the process trips over a lot of garbage on the conveyor belt while running towards the manual]

[The manual nearly drops into the furnace but Oblina catches it just in time]

Oblina: Very attractive. Let's go home.

[Scene changes back to the Snorch's chamber]

Guard Monster: Number oh, 19.

Ickis: [squeals] Have mercy, Snorch. Mercy. Zimbo, tell Snorch I'll give him my slugs. Anything! Why waste his energy on a worthless monster like me?

Zimbo: [Laughs]

Snorch: [Growls]

Guard Monster: No thrashing in the hallways. Those are the rules.

Ickis: Krumm, Oblina, help!!

Oblina: Relax, Ickis. we have your manual.

Ickis: Did you hear those beautiful words? We have your manual! We have your manual! We have your manual! we have your manual!

Zimbo: As if we care, this mix had we endangered our consciousness he is ours, is he not your great ordinary marvellous Grombleness?

Oblina: With all due respect, sir, Krumm and I went into a great deal of trouble to retrieve Ickis' manual.

Gromble: You're absolutely right. You did go to a lot of trouble. In fact, you did so much more. You did ANOTHER STUDENT'S ASSIGNMENT!

[The three monsters shiver and tremble as Ickis, Oblina and Krumm are sent into the Snorch's chamber]

Zimbo: Welcome to Snorch's chamber, a festival of arcane amusements, keep your arms and hands and eyes inside of the chamber at all times. We hope you are completely miserable here, and please tell your friends.

[The Snorch wears a hat with horns]

Ickis: [trembling] Not the horns.

Oblina: [trembling] That means only one thing. He's going to... sing soprano.

[The Snorch and Zimbo start singing soprano and tortures them.]

Monsters: No!


Zimbo: Encore? Did you say "encore"?

[The three monsters shiver and tremble as the episode fades out and credits roll with The Snorch and Zimbo still singing]